the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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