He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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