can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
