we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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