I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
