my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
