dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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