i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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