Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
