my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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