i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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