I don't usually arrange sex via text message
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Who died my cat blue again?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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