If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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