I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize