God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
