I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
