Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.