remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
