I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So much rum. So many feels.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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