two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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