why didn't you poke me back
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
