you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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