Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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