You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
