Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
