I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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