I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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