someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
