I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
