I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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