Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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