i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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