I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
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Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
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Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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