I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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