Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
