What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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