The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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