I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
