Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
