found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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