I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
