My Higher Power is John Stamos
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
