My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
