the condom got lost in my hair
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
