I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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