i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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