yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
