hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
