Swine flu. Run for my life!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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