can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
