My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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