I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
