I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
