are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
