he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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