i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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