...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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