i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
