All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
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i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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