Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
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He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
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Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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