My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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