I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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