I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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